Hey there!! It’s me again, and I am back with a reflection post after many months of transformation, praying, new routines and more. I started writing this back before my birthday, so I’m just going to tweak it a bit and update it. In November of 2017 I turned 28. I thought 28 would look completely different but honestly I never really thoroughly thought it out. By the grace of a loving, forgiving God of my understanding–Jesus, I am 8 months sober and 10 months celibate and have surrendered my alcohol and sex addictions, a day at a time. I’ve fasted social media except Facebook, but its only on my computer (although I give myself a minor grace period on Instagram on weekends because I haven’t in so long and I’m newly taken and I praise God for what’s He’s brought into my life when I’m on it and chose to not make it an idol.) I chose to do this fast because at times it’s taken my time away from God and just fully being present around people. I do use YouTube to post my VLOGS and watch other encouraging and educational videos but it doesn’t overstep any boundaries for me. It’s honestly been a blessing to open that door to my brokenness, my struggles and how I continue to overcome life without drinking or finding something to make me feel good for a short term to ignore it. I also work a structured, very spiritual program that keeps me vigilant and my sobriety priority.
I’ve also been blessed with a sober, caring boyfriend. Who is exactly the man God has put on my heart to love and trusts me to continue to put Him (as in Jesus) first and honor Him. He has already given me so much more that I could ask for and I can’t wait to continue to grow with Him and him through all this. It was leap of faith at 6 months but time is time. As long as we take a day at a time like everything else. It’s really amazing how God works so strategically and how it has come together. We both have a similar purpose and compliment each other so gracefully and have the important things like faith in common. I’m praying he’ll make an appearance on the vlogs eventually because God speaks through Him constantly but I’ll let Jesus lead us when that time is right.
Anyway, this time last year I was slowly but surely hitting my bottom because my life wasn’t going how I wanted to go. I had failed situationship with a close friend, I was working in a liquor store and things weren’t going as planned. And my drinking was getting worst. My life felt like it was slowly falling apart and I was all alone and was isolating more. My nightly drinking and constant need for a next hit didn’t exactly allow me to see clearly and I believed in all of the lies the world constantly tries to feed us and honestly as much as I thought God had a plan for me, I felt stigmatized as a single, female, millennial whose end all be all was to be single, own a company (maybe), eventually afford a place and a dog. Oh yeah with tons of wine and friends to eat with. Can you say delusional?
And I had believed in those lies for so long and was so stuck to let God in to work in me and do His thing. But I know He was always there just waiting for me to surrender and let Him work but it wasn’t easy. In June of 2016 I got baptized which is a huge statement of Faith so of course Satan was out for me but between the “single” and “blog” life that became idols for me I was easily sucked in for one more go and I’m thankful that nothing worst happened.
But boy, oh boy does my God redeem…
My bottoms didn’t physically really start to affect my life more potently until April and at the end of that month I got arrested for a DUI. I was pretty shamed for a while and was confused and stuck. But thanks to some friends who cared about me and the community at my church constantly keeping me busy and focused on God, luckily I was brought into the rooms about a month later, Memorial Day weekend to be exact. Got a sponsor before the week was over, started my 90 in 90 and haven’t drank, used any mind-altering substance or activity since.
Is it easy? Is it worth it? How do you feel?
Physically I feel so good, and I feel so much. Feelings are real but getting through them without numbing them is amazing. It’s so nice to relearn how to cope, work steps in a program to rebuild my life and fix some messed up things I did in the past due to my drinking. God has forgiven me so I can forgive others and myself, most importantly. I have my self-worth back, a purpose to serve and help others, an Earthly and Heavenly family that continues to grow. And I am not ashamed of what I’ve been through especially since sharing my story that God continues to work on can help someone else. I used to take so much– peace of mind, things, time, and whatnot from people. I try to give and be of service more than I take now.
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”- JAMES 1: 2–4
Today I am thankful I can have God constantly speak to me in His word or other people in my program to not only challenge me to become a better person but to change my mindset to gratitude. I look at myself a year ago stuck in self, not serving others and so far away from God’s purpose in my life. I am so grateful I had to go through my mess and have no choice but to let God rebuild my life and take out the trash and toxic habits and people from my life. This year I am truly putting my sobriety first. Sobriety and this relationship with God is a gift and it’s a miracle to be here, one day at a time.
I am without a doubt thankful for my identity in Christ. I also have no shame saying I struggle with an addictive personality and am a recovering alcoholic. Speaking this out daily keeps me vigilant, humble and ready to let God work in my life.
Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.- Psalm 37:4
I’ve been blessed with so many moments and experiences I had longed for when I was out (drinking and in my other insane addictions) but with time, one day at a time, strength, courage and obedience (not giving into temptation) God has given me so much and some of what I desired but could not live without a drink and idolized a bottle…
Everyday is a gift and I try to find gratitude daily no matter how bad a day gets or tough it may be.
I’ll take my life in Christ, as challenging as it may be over a day out anytime. Slowly but surely, or rather quickly God goes above and beyond. It’s a blessing to be pursued and loved by Him who will never leave me. I can’t wait to see what He does with my life the next few months and how I can be of service.
Breathe and believe!
PS: I’m still cooking so I may post some recipes at some point this year! But in the meantime…
Here’s some pics of my sobriety journey the past few months: